Start over.
So I pretty much gave up a while back. As you can tell it’s been a while since I last wrote. I still feel ugly and disgusting and it seems parts of my life keep making that abundantly clear to me. I think I’m a beautiful person… I just wish it reflected on the outside. It used too…I miss those days. I miss turning heads and having random people hit on me and instantly fall in love and gush all over me. Maybe that’s completely selfish and stuck up, but it sure helped my self-esteem. Today “self-esteem” is an unknown word. I’m not sure what it means anymore. If it was up to me I would never leave the house anymore for fear of someone looking at me. I need something to give me a boost.
So, dear readers, I’m starting over. I gave up long enough. Although I am healthy, I am in constant fear it’s going to take a turn for the worse. Last night I was up for hours panicing that I’d have a heart attack or something like that. In reality I knew I most likely was not, but my carple tunnel in my left wrist was acting up, my left leg was feeling a bit numb and one of my rib joints hurt (old issue)…. all the classic signs of a heart attack were there even though I knew better about each ache and pain. But nights like these give me the little kick in the butt I sometimes need.
I’m cutting out smoking. I’m excercising after work. And lunch consisted of a cup of lentil soup (you know the kind you just add boiling water too). I planned on dinner being sloppy joes, but this time, I only need one sandwich and some salad on the side.
I need to start eating and thinking like a thin person….or at least a fatty turned thin. Maybe I need to make some thin friends so I can watch how they eat and get a better understanding of portion control from them. All the stick people I know eat horribly and just naturally have a high metabolism.
